I am Larry Reimer, one of the emeritus pastors of this church. I thank Shelly Wilson, who is attending a meeting in Orlando this Evening, for inviting me to lead this worship service tonight.

I, like all of you, am overwhelmed with a whirlpool of emotions ranging for sadness to anger at the deaths from mass shootings in El Paso, Texas, and Dayton, Ohio. I paraphrase John Donne’s famous poem, that No one is an island, unto oneself. Each is a part of our mainland. Any person’s death is a death to me. Each person’s grief is in part my own.

We pray again, and vow again to fight the horror of gun violence in our nation. The tools for that task are faith, courage, and perhaps most of all community. And one of the ways that community happens is by sharing both our grief and our joy, both our despair and our perseverance, both our anger and our hope.  And often we experience a mixture of these emotions, all at the same time.

Community happens with of us strengthening one another, in the hope and trust that a better day will indeed come. So tonight, in the midst of our anger and grief, I offer us the gift of laughter, in trust that laughter also unites us.

I welcome all of you tonight to this moment. I welcome visitors, who have come to share with us tonight, for your sheer presence makes us smile. If you are visiting, make sure you introduce yourself to someone nearby tonight and to me on your way out. I also welcome guests of church members, family and friends. Does anyone wish to introduce friends and family?

Humor Sunday celebrates laughter as a gift of God. Laughing together suggests that for a moment we see the world in the same way, even if that world is full of hiccups and unexpected turns.

For example,

If you can sit quietly after a long day;

If in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm;

If you can see your neighbors travel to

Fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy;

If you can eat happily whatever is put on your plate;

IF you can fall asleep after a day of running around

Without a drink or a pill;

If you can always find contentment just where you are —-

You are probably a dog.

That is humor.

So breathe deeply, and relax into the gift of God’s surrounding presence with divine tickles and some graceful guffaws.

Jimmy Buffett says that with all the changes in attitude and latitude in life’s journeys, “If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.” We aren’t ignoring the world’s problems, or our own this evening.  We’re simply acknowledging that when life doesn’t follow logically where it should, God gives us laughter to keep faith that tomorrow may be a better day.

The center of a joke, after all, is usually an incongruity, something that doesn’t quite make sense,

For example a police officer came to my house the other day and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.  He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten.”

People are often confused about what I do.  Last Friday after Morning Prayer I was walking down Fifth Avenue. A man walking by asked me if I worked here. I said I used to work here, but now I’m the retired pastor of this church.  “Church?” the man said, “I thought this was a Prius used car lot.”

In fact someone once told me that diversity at UCG is determined by the color of your Prius.

Heaven and hell come up a lot in church humor, and they seem to be quite confusing places.

Two dogs and a cat went to heaven.  St. Peter asked the first dog, a German Shepherd, what he did to deserve to get into heaven.  The Shepherd replied, “I was a service dog to a wounded veteran. I gave him comfort and support my whole life.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter. “Go right in.

St. Peter asks the second dog, a Cocker Spaniel, what she did to deserve heaven.  She said, “I loved the children in my house and always made them happy, from the time they were little until they were teenagers.”

St. Peter said, “Go right in. You deserve heaven.”

Then St. Peter looked at the cat, and before St. Peter could ask his question, the cat said to him, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.”

On the other hand, here’s a different view of heaven.  A Presbyterian dies and goes to heaven.  St. Peter welcomes him and says “Go to room 24, but be very quiet passing room 8.

A Lutheran dies and goes to heaven.  St. Peter welcomes her and says go to room 18, but be very quiet passing room 8.

A Methodist dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter welcomes her and says to go to room 12 but be very quiet passing room 8.  “I can understand each of us in different denominations going to different rooms, but why do we have to be so quiet going past room 8?”

St. Peter says, “That’s the Baptists.  They think they’re the only ones up here.”

Heaven isn’t just about different religions. St. Peter is at the pearly gates of heaven when a group of Wall Street hedge fund managers arrive. St. Peter has never seen hedge fund managers at the pearly gates before, so he asks God what to do. God tells him, “Go let them in.”  A few minutes later Peter returns and tells God, “They’re gone!” God says, “Who, the hedge fund managers?” Peter says. “No, the pearly gates.”

I heard there’s a sign in heaven that says, “Welcome to heaven. Now keep your religion to yourself. That’s what makes it so peaceful here.”

Sometimes the questions of heaven are unexpected. Three souls appeared before St. Peter. Peter asked the first one, “What was your last annual salary?” The soul replied, “$200,000; I was a trial lawyer.”  St. Peter asked the second the same question.”$95,000; I was an accountant.  St. Peter asked the third soul the same question.” The answer was “$8,000.” St Peter immediately said, “Cool! What instrument did you play?”

Which leads me to musicians. A long time ago I took my band to play for patients at a hospital. When we finished I said, “Thank you very much for listening. I hope you all get better.”  The man in the front row said, “I hope you get better too.”

What’s the difference between a trumpet player and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and make money.

How do you get a drummer out of your living room?   Pay him for the pizza.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in her car? It took 2 hours to get the drummer out.

Then there was a whole bass section of the orchestra playing Beethoven’s 9^th symphony. They notice that they don’t play again until the very end of the piece, so they decide to go out for a drink at a nearby bar. Before they leave they tie a string around a page near the end of the score so that when the conductor turns the page it will tug on the string which they’re holding at the bar, and it will signal them to come back. Well they drink and drink, losing track of time, of course.  The symphony is coming to a close. The conductor goes to turn the page with the string and it won’t turn. Suddenly he realizes he’s in trouble. It’s the bottom of the ninth. The score is tied, and the basses are loaded.

Speaking of bars, many funny things happen there.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey we have a drink named after you.”

Grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Steve?”

A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar, tender here?”

A bear walks into a bar, (this is my personal favorite), and says, “I’d like a gin… … … and tonic.”  Bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

Bear (looks at paws) “I don’t know; my father had them too.”

(Here’s an obscure one) A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “Dry”?  “Nein”, says the German, “I just want one for now.” (Drei, is 3 in German)

Guy walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building, and the guy already sitting at the bar says, “You know because of the wind drafts in this building, you can jump out of the window and fly.  Look, I’ll show you.”  He then proceeds to jump out the window, flies around the building, flies back through the window and sits down at his bar stool. The second guy jumps out of the window and falls to the ground.

The bartender looks at the first guy and says, “You’re a mean drunk, Superman.”

Woman walks into a bar and she hears this high pitched voice saying, “I love your hair.” “That’s a beautiful shade of lipstick.”  “I really like your purse.”

She asks the bartender, “What’s with all these high pitched voices?

Bartender says, “That’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

Duck walks into a bar, orders a drink. The bartender says, “That will be $8.00.”The duck says, “Just put it on my bill.”

Speaking of ducks, a University of Florida research truck was broken down on the side of the road with a load of rare and exotic ducks.  Two guys from the University of Alabama saw the truck, stopped and asked if they needed help.  “No,” the UF guys said, “but we’ll give you $50 if you’ll take these ducks to the Jacksonville Zoo.”

“Sure,” said the Alabama guys.”

A while later, the UF truck drives by the Town Center off Butler Boulevard in Jacksonville, and sees the Alabama guys with the ducks.

“What are you doing,” the UF guy says.  “I gave you $50 to take those ducks to the zoo.”  “We did,” said the U of Alabama guys.  “But we had some money left over so we decided to take them out for ice cream too.”

I don’t know if you heard that the University of Alabama football team played Harvard. At a party after the game an Alabama football player approached a girl and asked, “What school do y’ all go to?”

“Yale”, the girl replied.

“Okay, WHAT SCHOOL Y’ALL GO TO?”

Speaking of different parts of the country, a man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty five years of misery is enough.”

The son says, “Pop, what are you talking about?”

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer, and I’m sick of talking about this. So you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister who says, “We’re not letting them do this. I’m taking care of this.”  She hangs up on her brother, calls her father and says, “You are NOT going to do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. “Okay honey, they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

Speaking of difficulties, a doctor told a woman she had only a half year to live.

“What should I do?” she asked.

“I recommend marrying an economist and moving to South Dakota,” the doctor replied.

“Will that help me live longer?”

“No, but it will seem that way.”

By the way, people in different professions, and people with different interests have favorite hymns. I’m inviting some of our UCG folks to share their favorite hymns.

David Thaler, you’re a dentist. What’s your favorite hymn?

David: “Crown Him with Many Crowns.”

Carol Barron, you’ve been a contractor. What’s your favorite hymn?

Carol:  “The Church’s One Foundation”

Scott, you’re a golfer. What’s a golfer’s favorite hymn?

Scott:  “There is a Green Hill Far Away.

By the way Scott, I hear you returned your golf shoes. Why was that?

Scott: “I got a hole in one.”

Hi Jillian. You do Snapchat right? What’s the Snapchatters favorite church song?

Jillian:  “Pass it On.”

 

By the way (Jerry), why don’t clams and scallops ever give birthday gifts?

Shellfish, they’re just shellfish.

What did Adam say to Eve the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve.

Speaking of confusing religious terms, before we close, I want to make check our bible literacy. These are familiar jokes, so if you know the answer, just shout it out.

Where is baseball mentioned in the bible?

Genesis 1: “In the big inning.”

Where is tennis mentioned in the bible?

Exodus.  “Moses served in Pharaoh’s court.

Where is a Honda mentioned in the bible?

Acts 1:14 “The apostles were all in one Accord.”

This multiple meaning of words reminds me of all these crossbreeds of dogs. These days it’s exotic to combine breeds. My grandkids have a combination Maltese and Shih Tzu, a Malshi. You’ve heard of Cockapoos and Goldendoodles.

Here are some new crossbreeds that have just been developed.

A Malamute and a Pointer – a Moot Point, a favorite of lawyers but it doesn’t seem to matter.

Then there’s the Pointer and the Setter – a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

A Terrier and a Bulldog – a Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound and Labrador – a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Of course there’s the Bull Terrier and the Shih Tzu – Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

I began this sermon with the Jimmy Buffett quote, “If we couldn’t laugh we would all, go insane.”  I don’t have to tell you that these are tough times, no matter where you are on the political spectrum. Our nation, our families, our neighborhoods may be as divided as they’ve ever been since the Civil War. And we have all gone through tough times personally in the past year or even in this past week, some more than others. But we have the gift of laughter, which I believe can take us safely through the portals, the doorways we face in our lives.

I hope that today’s laughter was a healing balm for your body and soul today. I know there will be struggles in the coming week for all of u. My hope is that sometime in the week ahead, in a tough moment, or a boring meeting, or a tense encounter, you may remember one of today’s jokes, maybe a short one like this:  What did the cannibal say to the other cannibal when he ate the clown?  “Does this taste funny to you?”

And then I hope you’ll smile, and that will be your prayer that will in some way contribute to a healing of in and of the world.

Prayer:

We thank you God for creating us with the miracle gift of laughter that gives us that most beautiful of all makeovers, a smile.

We pray to remember the laughter of this morning and to take this feeling with us into the week ahead.

We pray that we may see the laughter of this time and place like a pebble dropped in a still pond that is the world’s longing, a pebble that sends out rings of joy flowing out to its farthest banks.

Keep us safe O God.  And keep those we love safe.  And somewhere, sometime this week, let us bring a smile to someone we don’t even know. Let us make the world a better place.

Amen